Bryer Family Blog

My grandmother was found dead in her room at the assisted living facility this morning. She had dressed herself and relaxed in her recliner.  By the time an aid came to check on her she was gone.  There was no noticeable cause of death. Her hands weren’t clenched, just relaxed at her sides, as if welcoming the peace.

We had just visited her only a few weeks ago. We talked about both of us being the mom of two boys and I remember Gabe taking a particular liking to her, even whispering the secret into her deaf ear, “I love you.” You never know when you leave someone if it will be the last time you see them. It wasn’t  even really on my mind that day. But I am thankful now that we shared that time and space.

I will always remember my Grandma Ruth as a strong woman with a wild sense of adventure. She endured hardships from being born legally blind, to surviving the Depression, to staying strong during the war, to  coping with her only sibling’s death, to raising two boys with meager means and being a great advocate for the one born blind. She forged her way through all adversity and even ended up helping other young women meet their potential as a girl scout leader.

No wonder I love the outdoors so much considering both she and my grandfather were scout leaders… in fact that is where their romance began; once upon a campground. Imagine kindling  your love amid tents full of rambunctious adolescents. It was just the beginning of their travels together. There was many a destination and pit stops along the way.

Their roots were in Queens, but I can only remember back to their house in Nassau: cool dips in the nearby creek, walks down the dirt path. Grandma used to pack a few Oreo cookies in little baggies for us to take along on our adventures.  I remember watching her. Grandpa’s old rock collection, their ancient bowling machine, and Grandma tolerating Grandpa’s dusty treasures as far as the eye could see.

They had a brief stint in an Albany apartment before they retired to Florida where we took many pilgrimages to visit them in their new humid home. Although that was the residence on their license, they continued to explore. Trips from Alaska, to Hawaii, to camping trips in the Airstream; what fun it was to ride the silver bullet. They later graduated to the Winnebago. I have a slew of memories collected from the wilderness campground at Disney where we shared the outdoors with Chip and Dale to a camping out by the Herkimer Diamond Mines where we chiseled away at quartz and I wore the fragment around my neck in a little golden cage as if royalty in disguise. And getting to the destination was most of the adventure what with my grandfather’s flare for some wild driving, his tongue jutting out  in focus while my grandmother clenched the dashboard and barked directions.

They were two strong willed people who spoke their minds, often to each other, but they also spoke up when they saw something was unjust, and at a time where I am sick from the plague of apathy, I have to say that I was happy to see this passion… despite the four letter parts that would sometimes accompany it.

My Grandma spoke her mind, but she was far from serious though. The woman was quick to laugh and devilish when it came to pranks.  I will never forget the Thanksgiving we were visiting my grandparents at their old house up in Nassau when my grandfather made some sort of comment that didn’t settle well and the next thing we know my grandmother gave two warning shakes of a can of whip cream and then sprayed my grandfather’s glasses with a coat of white foam. Oh it makes my heart both ache and giggle to think of my grandfather sitting at the table, his mouth twisted and his moist, opaque glasses sitting on his nose.  That’s how the Moore’s operate. Act first, think later… and I have to say the approach did them well for the most part.

They were quite a pair those two. In fact after sixty years of marriage, it was hard to refer to them as two, they had somehow managed to become one entity albeit of extremes, but one entity none the less.  Both with their virtues and both with their vices, they managed to stick together all those years. I can’t imagine having a reminder of yourself: your history, your choices, your dreams and your defeats lying beside you every night when you go to sleep and waking up next to you every morning. Or even harder to imagine the first night when that person reflecting all of that isn’t there.

It’s no wonder my grandma’s hands were so relaxed, so still when they found her. She was able to release this fragmented part of her life where she was only a piece of something bigger.  This morning she was able to return to my grandfather and I  would like to think that that was her last thought in the end… that and that she was loved.

A few days ago our neighbor, Peter, took his own life after a painful battle with pancreatic cancer. Our family was away at the time and I thought we had all but escaped the harsh reality for the time being, until I loaded the pictures off of my camera to find a few last moments of him with the boys. He loved the boys so dearly and often said that it was them that kept making him decide to make it “just a few more days.” In fact he ended up making it far more than a few more days. It makes me smile remembering all of the invitations Peter initially turned down with plans of not being able to attend only to be at the door the day of the event as if it was his intention to be there the whole time.  First it was Thanksgiving, “Sorry love, I appreciate the offer, but I won’t be around then.” Turns out he was the one who got the turkey. And I was truly thankful to have that “last” day with him. He patiently watched, wine in hand, as six little children danced about his legs in choreographed chaos. He just smiled and drank it in.

Next Christmas was quickly approaching when we mentioned he might like to see the boys open their presents and have a meal with us. He of course gave us his “end of days” talk that he just couldn’t possibly make it.  Well, anyone who checks this blog will see that he was there amidst the tearing of wrapping paper, shouts of glee, and consumption of good food, wine and conversation.

We had a similar outcome for New Years, our son’s birthday, and a few other occasions along the way. Always Peter warned us he was near the end, and always he appeared on our doorstep. Much of me now wonders, despite the reporting of his end from good friends and neighbors, is it possible he might make it for just one more visit? I knew St. Patrick’s Day wasn’t for him; being an Englishman he never thought much of celebrating the Irish, but I can’t help but get the feeling our phoenix will make his way back into our lives if not just for a moment here or there, like seeing him in these pictures.

Not being a religious man, who are we kidding, being a man who denounced religion I should say, I always teased him that if there was something beyond this great life, that he needed to give us a sign. After much contemplation we decided that he would elevate the stove in our kitchen as the great spectacle to warn us to prepare for the next life.  It always made him chuckle and I wonder if he ever did give it a second thought, although he was always a man of honesty when it came to such things and he was clear that he believed he was from dust and only to dust he would return.

It was odd watching a man pare down his life, whittling it like a stick until he had no more left to cut. He got rid of his truck, some extra furniture, a power tool, a coat.  A man of little materialism, he marveled at all he had consumed in his days first in Liverpool, then in Los Angeles, then here to Albany. He bardered his goods and donated others until his house looked and felt as empty as he did.

Peter often came over with tokens from his past. My favorite part of inheriting these items more than the actual thing was the story that went behind it.  A collection of stones from his travels, a comic book from his youth.  There was a complexity I couldn’t grasp on having parts of a man’s life brought over to me one piece at a time. It was like he tried to transfuse new life into his memories.  Having no heir to these heirlooms looming about our house I started to wonder what responsibility came with them. Who and how to tell the tellings of his life.

A particularly poignant day was when Peter came over with two items that were parts of him as much as his elbow and nose: his hat from Australia and his leather vest from Liverpool.  Anyone who knows Peter from the neighborhood knows that hat. Anytime it rained, you could see his silhouette coming down Van Schoick Ave., the wide-brimmed hat on his head and his ever faithful and ornery mutt, Zoe, by his side.. It was only after he got sick and he started coming over that we learned of his adventures in Australia, nearing death in the outback, and the purchase of that beloved hat.  Anyone who knows Peter’s love of music, would also not be surprised that he owned a black leather punk rocker vest either. He partied with, played with, and was one with his music. He gave us these two items to give to our boys when they are older. He said he didn’t know which one would be the adventurer or which one would be the punk, or if they’d both have a little of each (which I believe was always his suspicion) but we were to pass them on at a time they could use these special gifts from “Uncle Pete.”

In the end I can’t imagine what it’s like to decide to take your own life. I don’t know what’s harder for me to picture though, the torture of that final pull of the trigger or the torture of living for eight months knowing that the pain of each day was only going to get worse than the day before. To know every morning your body will secede a little more space in this battle with the disease and that there is a little less of you now than there ever was before.

Seeing a few people now at their “end of days” it makes sense to me that you begin to look at your life as a collective experience. You begin to sift through it all and try to make sense of it. I know Peter did not get to see, do, hear a lot at the end; in fact his senses seemed to grow more dull by the day, but he had more introspective sight to see the things he didn’t see while he was ‘busy living’ .  I believe when you are ‘busy dieing’ all of a sudden that memory of climbing a tree as a young boy to collect bird eggs is all of a sudden so vivid, real, and full of meaning. When we are caught living day to day we compartmentalize our lives as a series of what needs to get done from sun up to sun down.  It often is not until we are preparing for the end that we remember we are an accumulation of everything we’ve been up to this very moment in time.

It is amazing that we can’t often remember our drive to work, but we can pull up a day from decades back and play it in real time in our minds. For a man who often forgot what time he said he’d be over for dinner, Peter remembered frame by frame what it was like going back to visit his home back in Liverpool. He remembered  the beer in his hand the brand of cigarettes he was smoking, and he remembers the song on the radio as he peeled off, vowing to never to return to his roots again.  Our brains are a wonder. How much do we forget and how much do we forget to remember?

I had known Peter for over six years before he became sick. To me he was always like a rough sketch of a man. He had bright blue eyes, a great accent, and scruffy hair. I knew what you typically know about a neighbor: where he was from, what he did for a living, his first name, and the name of his dog. But as he began the ritual of coming to our home every night, and sharing with us a story here and a memory there, I began to fill in some of that outline. It was more like pointalism really. Yes, Peter was like a fine Monet.  He never provided clear brush strokes, just little dots of color and light. It is only now that I take a few steps back, that I see how these spots blur to form a bigger picture of who he was.

I often wish I had even more spots of color to clarify this image, but for now I’ll just have to keep my eye on my stove, for the possible opportunity to hear another story.

Gabe it’s hard to keep track of all the things you are saying. You are such a little expressive person. Your body language cracks me up to. I love when you say “wait a sec” and then you put your forefinger on your chin and look deep in thought while you try to put together what you want to say. You have your colors down and are identifying more numbers and letters now.  You are really becoming such a thoughtful big brother too. You always think of Miles and even speak on his behalf. If Miles is out of his snack you’ll come up to me and say, “Mizel wants more.” Or “Mizel come too?” if we are going out for a walk.  I just love how you pronounce his name.  Speaking of pronunciation, you call the kitchen the “chicken” and say “happy cake” for happy birthday. Which is funny because you can now say “Happy Halloween” so well! Speaking of Halloween, you have been really into crafts lately, but nothing beats a trip to a playground.  You still love your Wiggles and have been into the guitar lately. You love when Daddy brings up one of his big guitars and you jam together. Miles often joins in on the keyboards too! You have so many friends you enjoy seeing. And you love going over to your neighbor Maeli’s and Damien’s house to see if they can play. You are good at walking on your own and holding hands, but occasionally you still get tired and look up at me with your arms reaching high and say, “Mommy, I hold you?” (which is really quite the other way around… but it is so darn cute!)

Miles…  you’re walking! Although you still rely on the crawl when you need to get somewhere at lightning speed. You are becoming far more bold with your vertical exploration as well. You pretty much climb anything in front of you. You get lots of compliments on your Shrek hat… which just looks so whimsical on such a serious baby such as yourself.  The grapes are at the end of their season, but you still crawl over to the vine and eat as many as you can before you catch my attention. You are a bottomless pit right now. We still haven’t found a food you won’t eat and a volume you won’t consume as well! You could outeat your brother any day… and maybe your mom and dad too!  You are doing  a nice job of sleeping in your crib but you take forever to fall asleep. I just don’t think you want to miss a thing. You light up when your brother is anywhere nearby and want to do anything he is doing.  You just love quiet time to explore and are bsorbing everything that is going on around you. It’s amazing now that you have begun mimicking the things we do… I realize you have just been studying us all this time. Weather it’s holding up the phone to your ear or typing on the keyboard or brushing your teeth, you have figured us out. Speaking of, you can find the power button on any electronic item in the house. You can turn things on and off and reprogram them most of the time! You have certainly been keeping us busy!

Well, it has been a very eventful summer… and how could it not be with these two growing boys by my side.  Here are some memorable things I thought I would share for an older version of Gabe and Miles:

GABE:

You have officially discovered independence. You want to do everything by yourself now: make your own chocolate milk, zip up your own pajamas, get your own vitamins (which proves difficult due to the ole child safety mechanism.) You are so strong willed but I try to be patient as I realize little by little you will need to take on the world yourself… but for now, please let mommy help a little =)

You have always been able to crack us up, but your sense of humor seems to be growing as fast as the rest of you. You are always ready to make someone laugh with a funny voice or some good old fashion slapstick. Lately though, you pronounce, “That’s funny!” when something is silly or amiss or you have laid out an elaborate funny act. Your statement of the obvious seems to draw even more laughs.

Despite your love of trains (which is a love affair as strong as any in history) you do love to pretend to fly by swinging your arms behind you, arching your back and pointing your head in the direction your facing.  You announce, “I fly” and off you go. Planes in the sky and having superman rides on mom and dad are still a lot of fun.

You have a great imagination and yet when I say something like, “oh you’re a monkey.” or “oh you’re a dinosaur” you look at me like I’m crazy and say, “No, I Gabe!”  You are a big fan of  lions, bears, dinosaurs… pretty much anything that “ROARS!!”

MILES:

Despite many toys meant to be walkers, you prefer to use a little tikes kitchen chair to help you get to where you want to go. You walk a foot or so behind it and waddle quickly trying to catch up to it. You beam at everyone as you pass as if it say, “I’ve almost got it!”

You are OBSESSED with anything electronic. The coffee maker, air conditioner, CD Player, TVs, remotes… you just know the power buttons and can pretty much make mommy crazy trying to keep you from them. At your one year check up you shut off the scale before the doctor could read your weight. She said she never had a baby figure out how to shut it off before.  I also once walked into the room and saw you watching a Bob the Builder video which you somehow magically figured out how to play.

People refer to you as a Zen baby because you are often so chill, taking the world in. BUT you certainly have a touch of mom’s temper. If I dare take something away or you want to be held, you SURE make yourself heard.  And it sounds like you are really yelling at me. You say, “Muh muh muh muh, muh!”  It’s hard not to laugh sometimes you get so serious when you’re upset. Keep up with that centered, peaceful version of you, please!

You have fully established your pointing skills (perhaps a lab in a former life?) When you are held you just point to everything that fascinates you and if you don’t get closer to the thing you desire, your point becomes sharper and more animated.  You have found that people, light switches, toys, the dog, you name it, can be accessed with this motion and you don’t want to leave anything undiscovered!

More on you later, little ones. I have to go get you ready for your day so I can discover even more about what makes you tick!

Dear Gabe,

You are becoming such a little man… with each set of clothes I “retire” for you, I have to face the fact that you are growing up, making me laugh (and cry!) through all of your milestones. Here’s a couple things I thought you’d like to remember:

1. You are enjoying Bob the Builder in book and video form. You love to play with your toy tools and when something breaks you say, “Fick it like Bob”

2. You love to play with play-dough and chalk. We spend hours outside drawing a train track and trains and then running around it.  We have added many elements you love… like the “shaky bridge” and the station where you “get ticket for all aboard.”

3.  It has been a very rainy summer so you are pretty well versed on rain-related songs: Rain Rain Go Away, Drip Drop, Gum Drops, etc.  There was even one night when there was loud thunder booming over head and you ran to the window and yelled, “NO! AWAY!” At least you love your puddle jumping.

4. You are in the process of learning to sleep through the night in your big boy bed at night, but you do still come in to bed with us when you wake up… and you need to bring everything but the kitchen sink in with you… pillow, blanket, stuffed animals, books, sippy cup…etc. There is barely enough room in the bed for you too! Also, you LOVE being read to at night. When we are done you give us puppy eyes and say, “more book, peez.”

5. When someone sneezes you say “blesh”; when you see anything that resembles a pool you call it “papa’s pool”; and when someone is upset you say “I hug” and proceed to put them in a well-meaning headlock.

6. You LOVE to do something you invented called a “circle hug” which involves everyone in the room getting into a big circle to hug (as the name suggests.) You just call out, “circle hug” and everyone falls in line =)

7.  You have discovered that the ice cream truck indeed delivers ice cream and is not just a “music truck” as other children in the neighborhood still believe. You get so upset when we can’t get it… I have to lock the doors to keep you from running after it sometimes!

8. You are capable of counting to ten; however, sometimes I worry that you’ve bumped your head because you will occasionally count, “1,2,6,9…”  What? You have your colors down though and especially love Purple (Jeff) Yellow (Sam) Red (Murray) and Blue (Anthony).

9.  You are fairly fearless (check the soon to be posted pictures of Alex sending you down his slide inside a tunnel!) but lately you don’t like to too high on swings so you first ask to go high, then when you cross your comfort zone you follow with, “little high! little high!”

10. Grandma Barbie once told you that when I was little I used to say “All gone, have to buy more” when something was finished. Well, you have followed in my footsteps and say, “uh oh, have buy more!” whenever we are done with anything… even if you finished a slice pf pizza and there are five more pieces left in the box… or it isn’t something you can actually buy… like at the end of music class when we have to put the instruments away.